Vladman: "Man of the Year" Humor

Now that Putin has been selected "Man o' the Year" by Time, that amazing magazine, I thought it would be good to repost my list of my Putin jokes. (By the way, I won this same award in 2006 — and believe you me, it's a good feeling.)

• When Putin smiles, a child is born in Russia. If the smile is wider than usual, expect twins.
• When Putin is sad, the national suicide statistics go up.

One of my favorite souvenirs of my recent trip to Russia is a 3" high hand-painted metal action figure of Russian President Vladamir Putin (shown at left). Vladman: he's superpowerful!

Russians like their leaders powerful. Here are some jokes that are floating around Russia now. These jokes reveal just how powerful Putin has become.   

• A fork that Putin ate from can slay a vampire with one stab.
• A chair that Putin sat on gets promoted to the rank of Major General.
• When Putin was little, he broke a cup. The spilled water turned into oceans and the splinters became continents.
• Putin can scratch his own heel without bending over.
• Shirts worn by Putin are sent to a secret military facility and converted to the strongest layer of armor for the Russian tanks.
• Socks worn by Putin are routinely dropped on Chechen rebels.
• Putin’s used tissues become the property of the Department of Cartography and their content is classified.
• Putin knows every Russian citizen’s name, address, and phone number. If you say a dirty word, Putin will call you in the evening to reprimand.

• When Putin’s name is typed, the first letter capitalizes itself.
• By squinting his eye Putin can read and write multimedia DVDs.
• Putin’s stare has downed 15 American satellites spying over the Kremlin.
• Putin’s stare penetrates a ten foot lead wall and brings a kettle to a boil within 10 seconds from three miles away. For public safety he must wear special contact lenses at all times.
• Chechen rebels blow themselves up when they hear Putin’s true name.
• Saying Putin’s name repeatedly contributes to the common good in the universe.
• Putin inhales carbon dioxide and exhales oxygen, ensuring the continuation of life on the planet.
• Putin’s love for humankind heats up the planet by 2.35 degrees annually - a phenomenon also known as the Global Warming.
• Putin appeared in Thomas Edison’s dream and revealed how to live in harmony with the Universe. But all Edison could remember in the morning was how to make the light bulb.
• Everything Putin touches turns into a national project.
• If a sunbeam shines beautifully through the clouds, Putin is nearby.
• If you shake hands with Putin you will be taken to heaven alive.
• If you hate Putin you may die early through your own fault.

Comments

[Mark McGuinness]

If you took the bullets out of that list it would make a good poem - a bit like Christopher Smart's 'My Cat Jeoffrey'.

[Gula Kapas]

those are like big big tales told by kids

[EnnaVic]

"Everything Putin touches turns into a national project."

Oh gosh - that takes me back to the late 70's when I was a pre-teen. We had a Prime Minister just like that:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Muldoon

I haven't read the Wikipedia entry so no idea if it reflects this - but gosh he ran the country with a firm grip. He did have a slightly more relaxed side we discovered post-politics when he read the narrator's role in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Happy New Year!

[Sd card]

Hi, I am developing my site right now and I would like to translate and publish and a few more of your articles on my site, I hope you don’t mind. If you do - then I’ll just place links to them but I really needed them in Polish. Thanks!

[Elva27Harding]

It is well known that money makes us disembarrass. But how to act if one doesn't have money? The one way only is to get the business loans and just sba loan.