Putin Jokes: Happy 55th Vlad!

• When Putin smiles, a child is born in Russia. If the smile is wider than usual, expect twins.
• When Putin is sad, the national suicide statistics go up.

One of my favorite souvenirs of my recent trip to Russia is a 3" high hand-painted metal action figure of Russian President Vladamir Putin (shown at left). Vladman: he's superpowerful!

Putin's a shrewd operator. With tactics that would win knowing appreciation from Tony Soprano, Josef Stalin, and Don Corleone, Putin has consolidated his hold on Russian power. He'll probably remain top dog even after his term expires next March.

Russians like their leaders powerful. Here are some jokes that are floating around Russia now (courtesy of Pajamas Media; translation by Oleg Atbashian). These jokes reveal just how powerful Putin has become.   

• A fork that Putin ate from can slay a vampire with one stab.
• A chair that Putin sat on gets promoted to the rank of Major General.
• When Putin was little, he broke a cup. The spilled water turned into oceans and the splinters became continents.
• Putin can scratch his own heel without bending over.
• Shirts worn by Putin are sent to a secret military facility and converted to the strongest layer of armor for the Russian tanks.
• Socks worn by Putin are routinely dropped on Chechen rebels.
• Putin’s used tissues become the property of the Department of Cartography and their content is classified.
• Putin knows every Russian citizen’s name, address, and phone number. If you say a dirty word, Putin will call you in the evening to reprimand.

• When Putin’s name is typed, the first letter capitalizes itself.
• By squinting his eye Putin can read and write multimedia DVDs.
• Putin’s stare has downed 15 American satellites spying over the Kremlin.
• Putin’s stare penetrates a ten foot lead wall and brings a kettle to a boil within 10 seconds from three miles away. For public safety he must wear special contact lenses at all times.
• Chechen rebels blow themselves up when they hear Putin’s true name.
• Saying Putin’s name repeatedly contributes to the common good in the universe.
• Putin inhales carbon dioxide and exhales oxygen, ensuring the continuation of life on the planet.
• Putin’s love for humankind heats up the planet by 2.35 degrees annually - a phenomenon also known as the Global Warming.
• Putin appeared in Thomas Edison’s dream and revealed how to live in harmony with the Universe. But all Edison could remember in the morning was how to make the light bulb.
• Everything Putin touches turns into a national project.
• If a sunbeam shines beautifully through the clouds, Putin is nearby.
• If you shake hands with Putin you will be taken to heaven alive.
• If you hate Putin you may die early through your own fault.

By the way, Putin celebrated his 55th birthday this past weekend. Happy birthday Vlad!

Comments

[Randy]

The type of humor reveals fear of Putin,not respect, and allows a safe outlet for criticism without reprisal. Compare with "humor" directed at American leaders by citizens - no respect and no fear.

[Roger von Oech]

Randy: You're exactly right. As the FSB (heir to the KGB) reaches into more and more parts of Russian society, the citizens there have every right to be fearful.

On the other hand, the economy is doing well (it's amazing what $80 a barrel oil can do), and the citizens -- especially in the larger cities -- are genuinely happy about that.

[Charles Meyrick]

Egad, those are *jokes*? They sound more like State-sanctioned genuflections in Putin's direction. If they really are jokes, they must have been written by the engineers who designed the Trabant.

Here's a joke about a Russian dictator: Breshnev invited his mother to visit him in Moscow. First, he showed her his office, with the huge desk and thick carpets, and hundreds of aides scurrying about, and she said "Is nice, Leonid."

Then he took her to his Moscow apartment and showed her the many rooms, the televisions and stereos, and the personal staff waiting on his every need. And she said, "Is nice, Leonid.".

So he took her out to his dacha, and showed her the forest in which he could hunt and fish, and the automobiles he had in the converted barn. And she said, "Is nice, Leonid."

Frustrated, Breshnev said, "Mama, I've shown you my magnificent office, luxurious home, and beautiful country get-away home. And you can say nothing but 'Is nice, Leonid'! Aren't you proud of what I have accomplished?"

And she said, "Oh, Leonid, of course, I am proud of you. It's just that I am worried. What if the Communists come back?"

As for the economy doing well: I would question any statistics produced by the government. (One year, the PRC published full-year GDP figures before the year was over!) I will defer to your experience in Russia, Roger, with two caveats: don't overlook the possibility that you were treated to visits to Potemkin villages; and, to the extent that there is any real prosperity driven by oil prices: those prices can come down as well as go up.

OK, here's another joke, so we don't end on a gloomy note.

Stalin wanted to find out what the people really thought of him, so he dressed up in peasant clothes and sneaked out of the Kremlin, and went to a workers' bar. He sat down and ordered a vodka, and turned to the guy next to him, and said, "So, what do you think of this guy Stalin?" The other guy blanched, looked quickly around to be sure nobody was listening, leaned in close and whispered , "Actually, I kind of like him."

[Roger von Oech]

Charles: Thanks for the "Real Russian Jokes." They're much funnier.

When I said the economy is doing well, it's important to say, "Compared to what?" For the Russians, the "what" is the economic chaos of the 1990s after the collapse of the Soviet Union and the beginning of democratic reforms.

[Jorge Castillo]

In a country where religion was forbidden it seems quite logical that people still need to find divinity in their leader.

When Putin celebrates his birthday Universe is sad because It has a year less of eternity ...

[Cam Beck]

"For the Russians, the "what" is the economic chaos of the 1990s after the collapse of the Soviet Union and the beginning of democratic reforms."

...to speak nothing of the economic and political turmoil and oppression that preceded perestroika.

[Jorge Castillo]

... or:

When Putin goes to the bathroom chemical arsenal doubles.

[Stephen Denny]

Roger, I'd decline any invitations for sushi at lunch from "long lost old Russian friends" right now, unless you believe extra wasabi kills polonium 210...

[Roger von Oech]

Jorge: Thanks for the bonus jokes!

Cam: "to speak nothing of the economic and political turmoil and oppression that preceded perestroika" — Yes! that's a lot of "what" too.

Stephen: As the Chevy Chase character said in the immortal film Caddyshack: "Are we in Russia? No we're not in Russia. This is America." No fear here.

[jack]

Putin jokes are supposed to like Chuck Norris jokes, what with his Judo, KGB training and crude sense of humor. Don't hate the man just cause his people love him

[tahiti18]

I really enjoyed A Whack on the Side of the Head and the Creative Whack Pack. Keep up the good work!

May your future continue to be great!

[Funny Jokes]

I really enjoyed this funny jokes.